Confessions of a Depression Survivor: Chapter 4 Deepest Darkness before the Dawn

For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
    but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 30:5 (NIV)

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I do not diagnose nor recommend medication for any ailment. I do not encourage that persons stop taking medication if they are on a regimen. I do encourage everyone to exercise trust in the Lord whether they take medicines. I stand firmly by something someone once said to me: the doctor treats but God Almighty heals.

Hi Friends!

Confessions of Depression Survivor is a blog series that documents my testimony of surviving Type 2 Bipolar Depression through the promise of healing in Jesus Christ. This series will consist of a number of chapters depicting the stages of the affliction and how I came out with more victory than I imagined.  

The aim of the series is to show that one encounter with the Lord can change EVERYthing!

What the enemy of our souls mean for evil, our Heavenly Father works it out for our good. Romans 8:28

Follow my story: 

See Chapter 1: In the beginning...
See Chapter 2: Sorrow, Suicide and (More) Sleep
See Chapter 3: Emergency!

Chapter FOUR

Deepest Darkness before the Dawn

The sun cast its sheet of light across the room. Nothing was spared the light as it filled the room where we were sleeping. I was not alone because there were other female patients in the room with me. Everyone else was sleeping when I relented to the gentle prodding of the light and opened my eyes. It was a new day. It was the start of something new in me and I didn’t even realize it.  I realized where I was. I remembered how I told Doctor Petal to admit me. I remembered telling my younger daughter that I was going to spend some time away from home so that I could get better. I remembered taking a big purple pill and a little white one. I knew the purpose of each of them. They were supposed to help me.

I noticed something else too. There was something remarkably different that morning.

It was Sabbath morning and if I were home, I would have been contemplating what I should wear to church. During the time I suffered with depression, being in church was therapeutic for me… once I received help with my two young daughters. I would ask my church sisters to hold on to them so that I could actually listen to the sermon. During the dissemination of the word of God, I would feel at peace no matter how troubled I was on that day.  

This Sabbath morning was different. I had gone to bed with a cloudy mind the night before. I could not make any serious decisions and all I wanted to do was to die. 
But praise the Lord, this morning I felt clarity of mind! I could think!

I realized that it a blessing to be able to make up my mind!

It is a blessing to acknowledge that I have options!

I praised the Lord! For the first time in my life, I realized how amazing God is to us because I had the blessing of being able to think and to make choices. I could choose to go to the bathroom, or even to smile. I was in control of my thoughts again! Praise the Lord for such a freedom!

There was something else.

While I waited to use the bathroom, I took up my quarterly, a Bible study guide we receive at church every 3 months. I opened the book to the lesson for the week and I started reading... I could read again! Praise the Lord! I recognized the symbols on the page! The symbols were letters which, when printed in groups called words, created pictures in my mind. I could read again and I could understand what I was reading! Again, praises to Almighty God escaped my lips!

Throughout my 6 day stay at the hospital, the nurses would ask me if I still felt like killing myself. On the first day, I felt ashamed at the question. I held down my heard and whispered, “No.” The next day I asked one of my nurses why they kept asking me about killing myself and he taught me something that never left my mind. He said that when I'm able to talk freely about something that is painful or embarrassing, it means I'm no longer a slave to it or dominated by it. 

What do you think about that?

As the days passed, I started losing my bashfulness about the suicidal thoughts I had had. I didn’t need to be ashamed about it before God because I knew it was a part of my affliction which is not who I am. I am not suicidal. That is not my identity.

From Hospital to Home

After I was released from the hospital into the care of my family, I scheduled my days so that I balanced house work and rest. I needed to be occupied and still find time to rest. I eventually went back to work.

I made it to all my reviews and clinic dates. I took the pills religiously. The medications varied in number while I was on a regimen for about a year. I read all the leaflets that came with the pills I was taking for mood and the suicidal ideations which was an antipsychotic. The doctors said I would have to take the medicines for the rest of my life. Please bear in mind that all medicines have side effects. The mood stabilizer the doctors said I would have to take for the rest of my life had a particular side effect that made me worry a little. Two of the side effects were depression and suicidal ideations. Sure enough, the depression constantly came back. I always had to go back to the doctor who prescribed antidepressants. All the pills I was taking increased my appetite significantly! Fortunately, my metabolism was still on fire from the previous season of dieting and exercising so even though I gained weight, I never really regained all the weight I had lost until about 3 years later.

It couldn't have gotten any worse... Or could it?

One night, after months of taking the medicines, being in and out of depression, I was at home with my daughters. I was feeling especially sad and I wanted to die.

I climbed the stairs that led to the roof of the 2 storey apartment-type building where we lived. I sat on the roof.  

“Help me, Lord!” I prayed.

I rose to my feet and walked to the edge of the roof. I looked down. 

There was one thread of myself left in my body.

In desperation, I cried out to God in my spirit, “Lord, I am going to jump off this roof if You don’t do something to help me now!”

The night was still. I just stood there. Ready to fall to my death. 

Then , something happened.

I felt my legs walk my body backwards and away from the edge of the roof. I felt my rear plant itself on the roof. I was seated. After a while, it was like I was regaining consciousness. Soon, I realized what I was about to do and in shock, I quickly rose to my feet and ran towards the stairs where I rushed into the building and and burst into my apartment! I saw my husband. He must have come home from work when I was on the roof. I excitedly told him what I nearly did. He could tell that I was frightened. I watched him. He listened to me and then he just silently stared on the wall across from him. I could tell he was deep in thought about what I had just related to him. 

Suddenly, my older daughter joyfully bounced into the room. 

To continue reading, click here for the conclusion of my testimony!

 What happened next was the miracle I needed!

It's Your Turn!

Everyone's deliverance takes a different form.

If you have been delivered from depression or any other type of mood disorder, share with us how how you were delivered.

How did Father rescue you from the edge?

Sharing your story may save a life!

God bless you!